The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. How many of us are guilty of doing just that! This is not a "warm and fuzzy" article. It is designed to wake people up to reality and accept life on life's terms. We often rationalise, justify and make excuses for not changing our self-sabotaging behaviours. We are in denial or too tired, too busy, too self-obsessed or just too plain lazy to make an effort to change our thinking to change our emotions (feelings) to change our behaviour and live the life we were meant to live — a happy and fulfilling life. Is your relationship making you sick? This is often the reason causing you to binge on food, alcohol and other self-sabotaging behaviours. Many people enter into a relationship with a deep fear of rejection and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour falls into 2 categories — overt control and covert control. Overt control is visible and can take the form of belligerence, blaming others, anger, rage, judgemental, critical and chopping other people's heads off to make ourselves look important. An overt ego is self-destroying and alienates the individual from the rest of the world. An overt person is selfish, self-centered and is always right — never wrong. If you are in a relationship with an overt personality, you will pay the price with your emotional, mental and physical health. Covert control includes "people pleasing", compliance, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of the attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked — an escape tactic. Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid. Many people enter into a relationship believing that it is their partner's job to fill their emptiness and take away their emotional pain. They believe that being in a relationship will make them happy and feel good about themselves. This is what happens when people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and to define their own self-worth. They look for happiness and approval in other people to fill a void in their life and turn to substance and behavioural addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away their emotional pain. Food, alcohol, smoking and drugs, including prescription drugs, are substance abuse disorders. Spending (shopping), relationships, gambling, exercise, sex, text messaging, internet, work, etc. are behavioural disorders and can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy and rejection. Often we have Superiority (the ego) battling Inferiority (Low Self-Esteem). The quickest way to kill off a relationship is fear of inadequacy, of failure and of rejection. If your life is full of fears, you will turn to food, drugs, alcohol and other behavioural disorders to escape reality. When you take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, you take back control of your life and not have to depend on others for your self-esteem/self worth to make you feel a whole person. You will not need to control or be a people pleaser or turn to addictive behaviour when you learn how to fill yourself with love and define your own inner worth. I bought a book when I was 28 years old called "If You Really Knew Me Would You Still Like Me?" That's how I felt in those days. That's a terrible way to live and I was not a happy possum — always looking for someone to make me happy. To be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else — never happy in the moment. I lived a life of "what if's" "should have's" and "if only's" and became my own worst enemy. Today, I've done a complete turn around. I've never been as happy or contented as I am today and I believe I can help you achieve that same satisfaction. I had to correct my brain chemistry before I could work on changing my thinking to change my feelings to ultimately change my behaviour. I often recommend a book called "The Laws of Spirit" by Dan Millman. It's only a small book but one of the best "guide to transformation" books I have ever read. In it he speaks about the Law of Surrender…… Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go……… The Law of Surrender means accepting whatever happens in your life, it does not mean passive toleration for what you don't like or ignoring injustice or allowing yourself to be victimised or controlled. True surrender is active, positive, assertive — a creative commitment to make use of your situation, in a spirit of appreciation. The Law of Surrender guides to you surrender to the moment — to accept whatever arises, including your response to whatever arises. It means accepting not only life's ups and downs, but also accepting yourself — your body, your thoughts and your feelings. Learn to accept life on life's terms and you will be a much happier person. Life will continue to provide you with challenges and tests but as you relax into life, even your difficulties will have a reason for happening, to make you stronger or to teach you a lesson in life. Have you ever noticed how cats will persist in going where they want to go? If someone is blocking their way, they sit back, relax, let go and take the opportunity to lick their paws. Few people have learned the art of surrender as well as cats. Pick any circumstance you might normally reject, avoid, or resist; then surrender to it completely, turn it your way, and make the best of it. Surrender to your highest impulses as you work for positive change in your world. But, like the cat, don't waste energy resisting or fretting over circumstances you can't control. God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, Courage to Change the Things I can, and the Wisdom to know the Difference. A very powerful prayer. Surrender means accepting this moment, this body, and this life with open arms. Surrender involves getting out of our own way and living in accord with a Higher Will, expressed as the wisdom of the heart. Far more than passive acceptance, surrender uses every challenge as a means of spiritual growth and expanded awareness.