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Are you married to a female alcoholic?

 

I have counselled many men married to alcoholic women and I say the same thing, you can’t change your wife’s behavior by threatening to leave and taking the children or by screaming and smashing furniture. All you are doing is hurting yourself and crucifying your children’s mental health.

The alcoholic wife lapses into an alcoholic haze and comes back to reality when she’s ready. Threats are useless unless they are acted upon. Make a decision to leave then do it.

The alcoholic can use all the emotional blackmail they can muster up but once you have made up your mind, stick to it. Husbands are great enablers and actually contribute to their wife’s alcohol problem.  I know it’s hard to believe but anyone married to an alcoholic is often the culprit by enabling them to continue the insanity.

Have you ever watched Shattered Spirits by Martin Sheen? In the movie the wife is the enabler and Martin Sheen is the alcoholic but the emotions are the same. The wife takes the blame because she thinks if she was a better wife her husband wouldn’t drink so much. If the kids were better behaved, her husband would not have to turn to drink to calm his nerves. If there is an alcoholic in the family, everyone suffers.

If you are married to an alcoholic woman, you have a heart wrenching challenge. Marriage is supposed to be about two people sharing their lives with each other.  Alcoholism cuts one person off and creates an emotional black hole in the relationship. Take a look at the ways alcoholism can affect you, your children, and your wife.

She has the compulsion to do dangerous things and it’s out of your control.

Alcoholism is more than just drinking a lot of alcohol. It also involves a dangerous compulsion to keep drinking despite knowing the consequences. A compulsion is a strong urge to do something over and over.  Often this activity becomes dangerous and all-consuming when the compulsion takes over. Compulsion causes an alcoholic to drink high levels of alcohol which impairs judgment, releases inhibition, and heightens emotions. When she drinks this much, she does a lot of damage to her body.  She is also at risk for drunk driving, poor performance at work, and sabotaging family relationships.

An alcoholic woman is a poor marriage partner.  She is not likely to consider her husband’s needs, may spend money recklessly, may not communicate very well, and may not be very dependable. Perhaps in an intoxicated state she tells her in-laws some terrible things. She may act erratically at family events, cheat on her husband, steal from the family funds, or completely isolate herself in her home.

These circumstances can weigh heavily on a marriage. Your marriage may not survive unless you intervene and get help.

Instead of having a mature adult partner, a husband has a reckless child to care for.  Even the most patient spouses can have difficulty enduring this for long. Alcohol rehab can help a marriage get back on track, but there are no guarantees.

You need to protect your kids from the effects of alcoholism in the home. Anytime an alcoholic is left directly in charge of children, the danger level goes up.  Young children are at a much higher risk for neglect and injury.  They may be left in dirty diapers for long periods, not feed adequately, and allowed to roam through the house unsupervised. Do you have a pool? Even older children need supervision and guidance through their day.

Having an alcoholic parent in the home means they must learn to fend for themselves.  Kids grow up and leave their carefree childhood mindset behind long before they are ready.  This can lead to discipline problems and reckless behaviors.  If your wife is alcoholic, you need to protect your kids.  Learn how alcoholism is affecting them and do whatever you can to keep them safe.  Encouraging your wife to go to alcohol rehab or counselling by an addiction specialist, is a good start.

DUI arrests, problems staying focused at work, and financial difficulties may not be enough to make an alcoholic woman change her behaviors. Your marriage can erode before your eyes if she continues drinking. She needs support and encouragement to get help with her alcoholism. This isn’t a matter of willpower or being strong enough to handle it. Your alcoholic wife will have the best chance if you help her get started with specialist counselling today.  Alanon can emotionally support you during difficult times.

You can suggest to your wife that she takes a course of supplements but often alcoholics are in denial and this idea will be thrown out the window. I suggest you try for yourself some Tyrosine Mood Food to help you cope. Tyrosine is necessary for the manufacture of dopamine and noradrenaline, which are required for concentration, alertness, memory, focus, motivation and a happy, stable mood.  Magnesium will help you to reduce your stress levels and assist with a deep restful sleep.

You could purchase Dr. Cabot’s book: Fatty Liver – You Can Reverse It and leave it lying on the coffee table.  You never know, your wife might just read enough about her diseased liver to get help herself. One of my current patients found me by reading the fatty liver book because she did have a fatty liver and didn’t know how to fix it. You could also leave on the kitchen bench some LivaTone Shots, just in case your wife is suffering a hangover and her liver cells need some help from the toxic substance she has ingested. Her poor liver must need some respite.

If all else fails, contact me, Wendy, at counsellor@scoastnet.com.au or www.couragetochange.com.au and I will counsel you on how to deal with your wife’s unacceptable behavior.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

12 comments

  1. I’m taken back by the stories here, shocked that so many other men are living with the same situation I’m in right now. I’ve been married 24 years, together for 28 years, social drinking has always been a part of our lives but in the last four years my wife has gone to the next level. Drinking almost daily, in the evening, hiding the wine bottles in her closet, drinking until she falls asleep in bed with the TV on. When things don’t go right, she becomes so mean and sometimes physical in her confrontations with me.

    Our kids, (22,21,14) especially the youngest one are now asking how to get her out of the house, they’ve been emotionally traumatized by multiple instances of my wife’s actions. She’s resorted to verbal attacks on her own children, physical threats and repeated accusations that they’re trying to ruin her. I’m at a breaking point, I don’t think I can continue on living like this, it’s not normal. I’m fearful that she’s going to get a DUI, contract liver failure or something worse. She doesn’t have an “off” switch, once she starts drinking she just can’t stop and it continues on until she passes out or an argument erupts, I agree with the article, I think threats are empty promises to do nothing, accepting your fate and destiny to live a life of misery, tolerating your wife’s alcoholism. I’m going to be making a change in the near future, it’s going to be painful but I believe my kids and I will eventually move into a life that is normal again. Hang in there fellas, don’t be afraid of change, live your life and pursue your dreams. Remember this, Proverbs 13:12 “when we lose all hope, it makes our heart broken”, life was not meant to be this way. Where Hope is alive, so is our desire to live and thrive.

  2. Also will buy booze and drink while I’m at work and lie that she didn’t, but I can see it all over her! Sooooo, obvious!! She’ll drink to the point she’s falling down if she can, and if anyone says anything the nastiness comes out, the nastiest I’ve ever seen a human being act towards another human, the way she is with me, which I’m sooooo used to now. I am the single Income for our family, so I’m at work and have to leave money ey sometimes for this. G’s and gas, and smokes etc, even though I worry about her buying booze, but she says no she won’t and is mad that I’d ask, but, she does almost 100% of the time. So then if she’s drunk and I say something when I get home like, oh what happened? I thought you were going to stop? And it’s been only 2 days ,she says, I HATE BEING CONTROLLED, AND I CAN’T STAND BEING BITCHED AT, AND JUDGED, AND EVERYONECAN DO IT, BUT ME. I CAN’T HAVE A LIFE NOW ETC.., and it’s my fault etc.. It’s sooooo draining, because I drank beer after work all the time etc, without issue, I do blacktop, paving roads for work, so a cold or even was nice, but I quit for her, and never Remind her that’s why I did because I said why would I do that?, then it wouldn’t be doing g it to be sincerely trying to help, it would be used as a guilt trip or what ever, but I did it cause I told her that she means more to me than any beer or liquor any day, and told her I couldn’t expect her to quit if I was drinking.. So I haven’t had a drink in over 2 years now.. About 2 and a half. Which I don’t care, but I look back and go, How am I the bad guy??? Anyways, now she doesn’t even feel bad after a crazy abusive drunkin night, she doesn’t say sorry or anything now, she actually will get mad if I say anything and start drinking in the morning the next day sometimes and be even worse!!! Arrrggghh!!! She used to get upset and say, omg I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I did that etc. Now, it’s like F U! Doesn’t care the kids can hear her scream too when she’s loaded! So sickening. And we’re at the best part of our lives in a way, I’ve worked hard throughout the years and will be ready to buy a house in the next couple of weeks, to the point where I can make offers and close a sale right away if I like the place. And I told her a couple months ago, I’m not bringing you In to the house I’m buying for us if you haven’t stopped (with my help of course and anything she needs to do it) this drinking mess! Cause all it’ll take is her crazy mind all drunk to at some point one day to say, Fu it! I’m leaving now, you are the reason, (as usual) and take half and screw me over, because she’s like two people, awesome woman that I love and got together with, and the drunk one, that’s manipulative, nasty, sloppy, nonsensical, vendictive, lying… You get the picture I think. Anyway, anyone reading this would say, it’s easy, leave!!!! But, I care and know she’s a great mom. And partner, without the poison, and won’t abandon her without trying everything. I was thinking maybe hypnosis, or is there a pill?? Lol.. Wouldn’t that be nice? Something she could take for the cravings, withdrawals etc.. Anyways any ideas are appreciated. Thanks for just listening even. Thanks! Oh, and stay strong, those that are battling the same beast!

    • Hi Wader,

      We recommend she seek advice from AA, to be offered guidance and mentorship from others who have walked a similar path.
      We recommend she take
      Tyrosine Mood Food – 1 teaspoon two to three times daily to improve depression symptoms and enhance mood. Take in a small amount of filtered water away from food.

      Magnesium Ultrapotent – ½ teaspoon twice daily in a little water.
      or
      Magnesium Complete – 2 tablets twice daily.

      Livatone Plus – 2 capsules twice daily, to improve liver function and reduce toxicity.

      N-Acetyl-Cysteine (NAC 600mg) – 2 capsules twice daily well away from food, if any upset occurs take at the beginning of your meals. This supplement works well with Livatone Plus to get your liver better faster.
      These supplements can be purchased here: https://shop.liverdoctor.com/

      Kind Regards,
      Jessah Robinson
      Nutritional Consultant for Liverdoctor.com

    • Wader, I’m living with a very similar situation, most everything you’ve said is happening with my wife, so similar it’s scary. The one thing I’ve been able to do that’s helping me personally is connecting with other men and seeking their advice an counsel. Some of the guys have gone through this with their wives, I’d say about half of them succeeded in saving their marriage, the other half seem to be well adjusted post marriage and are just plain happy to have peace and civility in their home again. That’s normal, that’s the way it should be.

  3. My wife, and I have been together a total of 20 years, married for 13. We have a 6 year old son. She has struggled with alcohol, and also pills for many years. She finally kicked the pills last year, but still continues to struggle to stay away from the booze. She had hit 8 months sober up until last month, and then she slipped. She was hospitalized 6 times in under 2 years between 2014 and 2016. It’s taken it’s toll on me, our son, and our marriage. I know she’s trying, and I do love her, and would hate to see the family split up, but at the same time I have very little faith that she’s going to stay sober, and I’m afraid this is going to be my life from here on out. We have been through 4 marriage counselors, so we’ve really tried. Not sure what to do at this point??

    • Hi Paul,

      We recommend you visit this website: http://www.couragetochange.com.au
      Dr Cabot recommends
      Livatone Plus 2 caps twice daily to improve liver function
      Tyrosine Pure Mood food as it is necessary for the production of the neurotransmitters dopamine and noradrenalin, which are required for concentration, alertness, memory and happy stable mood. Dopamine is required for reward and satisfaction, so would benefit someone who struggles with alcohol addiction.
      Magnesium Complete or Magnesium Ultra Potent powder to help your wife relax as it reduces stress, nervous tension, anxiety and sleeplessness.
      L-glutamine powder that allows the liver to detox and heal when liver inflammation is present.
      These supplements can be purchased here: https://shop.liverdoctor.com

      Kind Regards,
      Jessah Robinson

      Kind Regards,
      Jessah Robinson
      Nutritional Consultant for Liverdoctor.com

    • Hey Paul,

      Sorry to hear about your predicament. If I had to make a suggestion, I would attempt to get your wife into a treatment facility as soon as you can. Unfortunately, the disease of alcoholism affects the entire family, not just the individual who is drinking. This site really breaks down how the whole process works: https://www.ambrosiatc.com/rehab/?ambTRK=PR

      Good luck and God bless.

  4. I have a problem with a acoholic wife i have been advised to get her into a detox program and i have tried to talk sense to her She is going into detox on the second of february but i have been advised to let her drink and not to just stop it i have askd here to let me control the drinks at night and not drink during the day But she still goes out and buys alcohol when i am out at work and then lies to me when i find the alcohol. I have taken the debit cards off her but she will often find them and go and buy alcohol and she will verbaly abuse me and say it is ellegal and it is against the law and i cannot do that and when i ask if she as been drinking she always lies if when i have caught her drinking and she hides bottles of acohol all over the house

  5. Mywife drinks vodka and diet coke all the time .as soon as she gets home from work she goes to her room and starts and after a while she starts wanting to pick fights with me and when I ignore her well she starts on my girls well they are hers too but she knows when she starts on them that’s when I step in because she threatens to punch them and that I will not allow to happen.when I tell her that she needs to quit drinking she get mad and wants to start arguing and starts blaming me for stuff I had nothing to do with. When she’s drunk if you tell her that you can’t understand her she gets really pissed and then again its on.I don’t drink I stopped drinking in 2000 5 years before my first daughter was born and my 2nd daughter was born in 06 and I love them very dearly and they are starting to say that they hate her and they don’t want her around them so yeah I’ve got it bad and I’m at my wits end

    • Dear Ellis,

      I suggest you follow the suggestions in the above article, or perhaps email Wendy Perkins.
      Her email is counsellor@scoastnet.com.au.

      Kind Regards,
      Jessah Robinson
      Sales & Nutrition Consultant

    • Hey Ellis how is it going now? My story is a duplicate of yours except my girls were born in 1997 and 2001.

      The only two times in our 32 years of marriage that my wife took a break from drinking was during the 2 pregnancies.

      I quit alcohol for 6.5 years 1995- mid 2001. Worst thing I ever did was think I could handle it and start back. Drank heavier and heavier right along with wife from 2001- mid 2016
      Now that I have almost a year sober I can clearly see how awful she is to my girls. The have grown to hate seeing her come home from work for all the same reasons your girls have.

      If you ever check in here I would like to know what your situation is now.

      Thanks for sharing I don’t feel quite so alone in the world after reading your post

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