The thing that seems to start off the enabling process is lack of knowledge about alcohol and alcoholism. It is because the community does not have enough knowledge about alcoholism that we come to believe the rationalisations of the alcoholic and start the enabling process. We obviously need to amend the statement so that the assumption reads: “Provided that we have the relevant knowledge, we all have the power to run our own lives in a sensible way.” The minimum we need to know is that:
  1. Alcoholism is a disease which can be treated with reasonable chance of success.
  2. Alcoholism should be suspected as the problem if the drinking is causing disruption in relationships, in social functioning or in the emotional wellbeing of anyone in the family.
  3. Enabling is a process which allows the alcoholic to get worse and eventually causes immense problems to family members.
This knowledge would not necessarily have any direct effect on the drinking because the only person who can control the drinking or take steps to fix that problem is the drinker. What it could do is prevent the enabling process from developing. The harm done to families could be minimised. It is not necessary for families to put up with abuse or emotional blackmail; the family members do not need to be bewildered, angry or terrified. It is possible, with knowledge and help from those who understand alcoholism, to live with a drinking alcoholic and not be emotionally devastated. Learning how to emotionally detach from the alcoholic is an integral part of your own recovery and put the brakes on you enabling your partner to continue his or her bad behaviour. What is detachment? Alcohol dependent people have this need to control others to boost their own self-worth/self-esteem. Partners of alcoholics often have the same need to control and are totally unaware of this debilitating emotional disorder. Controlling other people is often done in a subliminal way with the victim being unaware of the controller’s hidden agenda. “People pleasers” have the need to be in control of all situations but they are totally unaware of their sub-conscious agenda. They are the last person to know that they are really playing the role of the rescuer and caretaker in order to stay in control of people, places, things and situations to prop up their lack of self-esteem/self-worth. They get through life on confidence, which is a learned skill, and ego.  Their self-esteem is often non-existent.  This applies to the alcoholic and to their partner. Learning how to emotionally detach from an alcoholic partner will assist you in your own recovery and be the mainstay throughout your change in attitude towards life.  I get many calls from people wanting me to counsel their alcoholic partner when, in fact, it’s the partner who needs counselling.  Learning how to stop enabling their alcoholic partner is a priority in learning how to live with a practising alcoholic.   Learning how to emotionally detach is about learning how to balance self in relationship with others, including practising alcoholics. It is this emotional space that you can begin to develop a sense of who you are. Your needs, wants and feelings can begin to be identified and communicated, as you move forward, being less dependent on others for your self-esteem. Communication skills, self-esteem and improving how you manage stress by changing your belief system will also be areas that will need to be addressed in your co-dependency recovery when living with a practising alcoholic.  You need to learn about the resources that are available to help you develop your own sense of “self” and who you are. Recovery is about “growing up” emotionally and regaining the personal power; your personal power that was inhibited by the chains of co-dependency in living with a practising alcoholic. Recovery is also about feeling empowered and in control of your own life without the need for approval, the fear of abandonment, or being preoccupied with pleasing or controlling your alcoholic partner. There is no need for you to be alone in this “existence” of trying to control, rescue and take care of your alcoholic partner. I would suggest helping yourself cope with the rigours of living with a practicing alcoholic by looking at supplementing your diet with an amino acid and a natural relaxant to help you sleep at night. Magnesium can be taken before bed to assist with a deep and restful sleep and helps to reduce stress. Tyrosine Mood Food is necessary for the manufacture of dopamine and noradrenaline, which are required for concentration, alertness, memory and a happy, stable mood. Blues Free is designed to support a better mood. Hydroxytryptophan is needed by the brain to make Serotonin which is the natural happy chemical produced by brain cells and has a controlling effect upon mood and feelings, appetite, sleep, confidence and mental energy. Sleep Eze is another useful sleep enhancer and I use it myself.  Melatonin is best taken at night when the pineal gland is meant to secrete its own melatonin to promote a natural restful sleep and awake refreshed in the morning without that “sleeping tablet hangover”.   I like it because it is not addictive. Everyday Stress Lozenges. These Everyday Stress Lozenges contain all natural passionflower petals to help you relax under pressure. A natural herb with relaxing and calming effects upon the nervous system, to help you perform under pressure without slowing you down. Adrenal Plus Support.  If you support the function of your adrenal glands, you have more chance coping with the everyday pressures of life. Many people suffer with morning fatigue and depression due to sluggish function of the adrenal glands. The adrenal glands are 2 small glands that are situated just above the kidneys and when they are working efficiently, they produce extra surges of energising hormones such as cortisol, adrenalin and DHEA to help you face the challenges of the new day. In other words, the adrenal gland hormones increase your resistance to stress and provide the drive and energy to succeed.