“Someone owes me a childhood” said the adult child of an alcoholic. One of the most important factors in relationships within families is the open and free expression of love and affection. This is rarely the case for a family living with an alcoholic. As the drinking gets worse and the alcoholic retreats from reality into their own self-centred, selfish world, lack of love and affection is the major cause of marriage breakdown and divorce.  Who really suffers?  Children living in a dysfunctional environment and watching their mother or father constantly under the influence of alcohol, grow up to be severely damaged, sometimes for life. Lack of trust, poor communication, little or no respect for their rights and feelings and little or no love or affection are a recipe for disaster. Someone owes them a childhood! In all the years I have encountered alcoholics, I have never encountered happy and emotionally stable children.  Children of alcoholics learn to deny their feelings of resentment, anger, overwhelming sadness, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment and pretend that everything is OK in the home. They dare not bring friends home for fear that their mother or father will do or say something that will end in disaster and they have to live with the shame and guilt. Insecurity, confusion, loneliness, feelings of hurt, rejection and inadequacy result. They feel powerless over their mother or father’s drinking and become withdrawn or lash out with unacceptable behaviour. They grow up with massive emotional issues, insecurity, guilt and very low self-esteem. Often children respond to the chaos caused by alcoholism in different ways. There is the hero, the victim, the lost child and the mascot. The family hero, often the oldest child, functions to give the family a feeling of pride and self-worth by their high achievement and success in academic or sporting areas. Here is one positive thing in the tangled web of failure and emotional upheaval upon which the family can focus with pride. Outwardly, the child grows into an academically honoured adult and plays the role of the rescuer and the caretaker. This child harbours emotionally complicated emotions and, not surprisingly, about half marry alcoholics or other chemically dependent people. Underneath all this acceptance of responsibility in their profession, is massive emotional insecurity and guilt. The victim sometimes labelled as scapegoats or troubled children, go the opposite way and don’t compete. They play the role of victim who everyone can blame for what is going on, thus distracting the family from the real cause of the problem. They become the focus by displaying anger and resentment. They are defiant and uncooperative. They act out their emotional problems of hurt and rejection through problem behaviour at school. They are often bullies. The parents are always being asked to come to the school to discuss their child’s absenteeism, their minor crimes and their disruptive behaviour. Left untreated, these children often marry early, have unplanned pregnancies and are very likely to become addicted to alcohol or other drugs or both.  Alcoholism is hereditary. The third category is the lost child whose role seems to be to give the family some relief. “At least we don’t have to worry about Mary. She’s not a trouble maker.” However, Mary may be one most affected, living in an emotionally charged dysfunctional environment.  Her quietness and aloofness to everything that is exploding around her, is a cover for her sadness and feelings of loneliness and unimportance. In the long run, she may have severe psychiatric problems. The final role is that of the mascot or comic clown. This child is often hyperactive and full of humour. Their function is to provide distraction through making a joke of everything. Underneath, emotionally insecure, frightened and confused, they will do anything to attract attention to themselves. The clown often has difficulty with school work, is anxious and hyperactive.  As adults, they have a predisposition to alcoholism and are generally emotionally immature. They are often drawn to a “hero” from another chemically dependent dysfunctional family and their emotional wounds never heal. All these roles are interchangeable and seem to form an integral part of the enabling process. None of these “character roles” are the result of conscious decisions to act in these ways. Enabling is an unconscious process marked by loss of contact with reality. Alcoholism is a disease which can be treated with a reasonable chance of success. Alcoholism should be suspected as the problem if the drinking is causing disruption in relationships, in social functioning or in the emotional well-being of anyone in the family. Enabling is a process which allows the alcoholic to get worse and eventually causes immense problems to family members. What can the sober parent do to help their family?  It is  advisable to attend an Alanon meeting in your region. You can’t force your partner to get help unless they want it, however, you can get help for yourself and learn how to live with an alcoholic partner, if there is no other way out. Nothing changes if nothing changes. By helping yourself, you are helping your family. If you suffer with stress, anxiety or depression, it has a domino effect on the whole family. The sober parent can help reduce their own stress levels by taking Magnesium to assist in the reduction of stress, nervous tension, anxiety and sleeplessness.  They can take the amino acid, Tyrosine, to boost dopamine levels and provide satisfaction, concentration and the ability to focus on what they need to do to emotionally survive.  Another amino acid with many health benefits is L-Glutamine, which also helps to support efficient brain function. We need all the help we can get to support our own emotional well-being if we are living with an alcoholic. When you are stressed, your body uses up most vitamins and minerals at a much faster rate, greatly increasing your requirements.  Do not live with depression and low self-esteem, as modern day medicine and counselling has effective treatments for these common maladies. For more help see my book “Help for Depression and Anxiety.” Chronic stress will cause exhaustion of the adrenal glands and reduce peripheral circulation, which can accelerate ageing.  Many of us are emotional overeaters and blame our alcoholic partner for our emotional eating habits. The above statements have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease.