One of the major problems in any relationships, whether it be between  husband and wife, or between either of them and their children, between de facto couples and between young people contemplating life together is the maintenance of full and fruitful communication.

Where alcoholism is a factor, the chances are very high that easy and frank communication has broken down and may have been replaced by suspicion, resentment and even fear where aggressive behaviour has been common place. This breakdown in communication affects most marriages and is a major factor in marriage breakdown.

What attitude can those close to an alcoholic take about the past when the alcoholic has caused a great deal of havoc in all relationships? Family and friends have been blamed by the alcoholic for their drinking sprees and unacceptable alcoholic behaviour but the time has come to stop blaming and accepting responsibility for their actions. The best attitude to take is one of support and forgiveness as well as trust and belief that your loved one will change for the better, given proper treatment.

For the alcoholic, the advice is quite categorical: she or he cannot blame the spouse or anyone else for the abusive drinking or try to make him or her fell guilty about it, because that is irrational. No one can make anyone else drink to excess for the drinking is the final act is a long chain of events. Some pretend that the problem that started the chain was of no importance, others resort to tranquillisers and anti-depressants and some of these finish up seriously ill in hospital. Some even resort to self-destruction. Now, like alcohol abuse, none of these coping attempts solves the original problem and some, like alcohol abuse, cause a great deal of harm to others, Alcoholics can usually recover quite well if they remain abstinent, but they will have a very poor chance of recovery if their past behaviour is continually thrown up at them and they are made to feel guilty about the damage they caused.

The only reasonable attitude is to accept the fact of the alcoholism and to find out how best to help the recovery process. It is quite clear that constant reference to the uncontrolled behaviour that went with the alcoholism may evoke guilt, anger and depression, the arousal of these emotions will very markedly increase the probability of a return to drinking. Guilt is one of the most destructive feelings that beset man. Being an alcoholic is not a crime, although many criminal acts may be associated with alcohol abuse. Therefore, it is irrational to treat the alcoholic as a criminal and make them feel guilty for an illness they have.  They are not bad people, they are very sick people.

However, you need to set boundaries in order to help the alcoholic accept responsibility for their own behaviour. The purpose of having personal boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  It is important to state our feelings out loud and to precede the feeling with “I feel.”  When we say “I am angry, I am hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define us; they are a form of internal communication that helps us to understand ourselves.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and to protect ourselves when it is necessary.   Our alcoholic partner will learn not to invade our space and to respect our wishes.

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